[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
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Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
you will never know the true number of layers
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
“are you just going to lay in bed all day”
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I can’t stop watching this.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice