A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
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remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Stonehinge
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
goldfish mafia
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Wife: What were the exact years of the Hundred Years War?
Me: Don’t know. Just Google it.
W: Geez, when did people stop using their brains?
M: Don’t know. Just Google it.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.