A GPS. But for where your story is going.
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“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
#StillHurts
