A GPS. But for where your story is going.
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October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
They’re called werewolves.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
me
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart