A GPS. But for where your story is going.
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My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
The Others (2001)
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.