Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her

Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.

I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.

Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.

It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …

My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.

She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.

So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.

I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”

Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.

With your tongue.

I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.

Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.

My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.

My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”

ME: I can’t find my glasses

SON: They’re on your head

ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again

“Bear with me for a minute.”

– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.

Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!

That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.

wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh

We really need to find out who the person responsible for coming up with the “Jump To Recipe” button on cooking websites is and set a day aside so we can properly honor them for the wonderful thing they did for society.

houseguest: is this a pull out couch

me: no we kind of just hope for the best

I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”

BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.

The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.

approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes

Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”