HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
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If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.