A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
You Might Also Like
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Turning regret into ulcers since 1996
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich