A great first step 😂
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I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Room with a view.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS