A great first step 😂
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Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.