A great first step 😂
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one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
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“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.