A great first step 😂
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Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Where’s my employee discount too?
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.