A great first step 😂
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Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.