A great first step 馃槀
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Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I鈥檓 sorry. I have to wash my car bro
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Kids only want one thing and it鈥檚 to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
It鈥檚 so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I鈥檓 wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
me: the earth isn鈥檛 flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it鈥檚 the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn鈥檛 you?
Me: I know we haven鈥檛 known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I鈥檓 here to marry you AND your fianc茅 now get up people are staring
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo鈥檚 socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I鈥檝e been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it鈥檚 cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle鈥檚 broken wing.
Digital security in Ancient Troy