A great first step 馃槀
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*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You鈥檙e lucky it has seats.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
me: what鈥檚 the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don鈥檛 know
me: one is a spider you idiot
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don鈥檛 have one like, sorry our house didn鈥檛 magically turn into a Staples last night.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
I鈥檝e seen wax fruit less fake than you
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
I can鈥檛 explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
I love the honesty
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.