A great first step 😂
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I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue