Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.

I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.

Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.

Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”

I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.

One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*

on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there

“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne

the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together

My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married

Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important

My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.

Netflix: Are you still there?

Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?

My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes

If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”

If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.

TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.

[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon

I finally bought a set of dumbells.

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?

Please say 6 weeks.

#math

I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.

I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?