A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
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Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.