A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
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Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Windows
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
more water
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
found my next D&D character name
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it