A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
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My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.