A great tip. #CakeRex
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Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
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I’m already scared
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First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.