A great tip. #CakeRex
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In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
I know VERY basic Japanese.
When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,
“does this have nuts in it?
The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)
I responded…..
“Sí.”
…
I HAVE NO WORDS 😭
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house