A great tip. #CakeRex
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Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints