A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
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Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.