A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
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I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What