Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.

[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.

Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans

Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”

Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.

Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato

8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right

1. make him chicken soup

2. tuck him in with the remote

3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.

Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz

this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔

Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket

The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.

I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are

Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough

Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.

Me: Wait, did you just point at me?

Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?