A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
You Might Also Like
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.