A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
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All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
When you’re Kinky but poor
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.