A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
You Might Also Like
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
when a toddler tells a story
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.