Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Give me one example.

Me: ALL the times.

Husband: Those don’t count.

I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng

So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?

Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”

Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”

My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”

I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you

“Bigotry”

-an Italian guy describing an oak

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.

My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!

Me: 🙁

My chameleon: 🙂

If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.

Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”

Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie

Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…

Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!

He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.

Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.

Music Royalty Succession Chart

Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot

What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.

I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?

Me: I sure did.

10: Did you have electricity?

We learned by candlelight.

I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.

We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try