A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
You Might Also Like
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
there has never been a better use of this meme
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Why am I like this?
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.