Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”

“Oh. CrossFit?”

“No. Gambling.”

Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.

-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.

I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean

5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?

Me: What?

5-year-old: A horse.

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

Smells like a challenge to me

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.

[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys

*checks the hip hop section*

Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.

really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context

[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*

What’s faster than the speed of light?

A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.

i could be your emergency contact if you’re fine with me asking “is it urgent tho?”

My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.

Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.

I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

[the seventh day]

God: *walks in wearing bangs*

Angel: maybe you should rest

*watching our 7yo’s softball game*

Me: Where’s our kid?

Him: The one dancing

Me: Ah, yes

[Swiss bank]

ME: I’d like to take out a loan

CASHIER: Okay, what kind?

ME: A tober

CASHIER: what?

ME: A toberloan

CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?

ME: …toberloan

You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out