A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
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A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Updating my resume. Anyone have a more professional word for “dumpster fire?” 🤔🔥📝
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room