A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
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The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Not today
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.