A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
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The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Sometimes? I’m slipping
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.