A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
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I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
edward fingerhands
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.