*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
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I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Be the reason someone burns sage.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.