A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
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dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
My birthstone is kidney
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
