A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
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GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
😂😂😂
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.