Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.

Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.

8-year-old: Why?

Me: For what you did last night.

8: You were supposed to forget about that.

TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.

RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”

Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”

‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.

Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up

Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…

Not today Satan.

Not today.

“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women

Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?

I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.

DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.

How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?

1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.

Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this

Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.

The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*

Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.

Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.

[commercial for kids]

woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!

narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.