Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet

[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING

I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

Priest: Body of Christ..

Gordon Ramsay: Dry.

Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.

just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes

me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner

Funeral Home Director: please leave.

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.

If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions

When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me

I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.

every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know

I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant

I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog

It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.

me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom

dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom

Thoughts