a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
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I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I suck at flirting I’ll be like “is that so?”
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread
make sure its switched to “on”
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
In Russia, the cold complains about you.
That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside