Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.

Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*

Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it

Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*

me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35

him: on what?

me: more books

him: if you’re going to read them

me: …that’s not the point

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

That time Alicia messaged me

I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.

Iron Man: *eats chips*

Ant Man: *eats microchips*

When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

[Inside every wolf]

Me: Hey.

Me: Oh, hey.

I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.

Math teacher; suppose you have five friends

Me:

Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep

Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant

Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.

some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me

If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”

[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has

Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?

Lemming: Just trust me, ok?

[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s

if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.

Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears

computer: create username

me: liamneesonskid

computer: username has been taken

I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.

She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.

“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?