a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
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Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.