A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
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“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
“A little help here, Danny?”
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.