Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.

*takes 87 selfies*

i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.

“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…

How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.

[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”

Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?

My husband: Not really

Me: You’re not very perceptive

justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner

mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah

me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com

My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.

Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog

Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.

why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.

Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job

“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”

Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.

I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

He has no idea 🤡

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am

My college professor:

The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:

Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.

Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.

If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.

Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!

*throws cat at Kinko’s employee

There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.

When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.

A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone

When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.