Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.

Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills

WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man

As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.

I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”

I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time

invited to a party: will there be food?

to a wedding: will there be food?

to the gym: will there be food?

to an orgy: will there be food?

to an intervention: will there be food?

to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?

MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]

What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?

My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.

*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.

I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.

During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”

Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

SHE has the mouth of a sailor…

…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.

Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?

Everything. Every single thing in the world.

decorating my apartment

Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old

ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?

WIFE: Two!

ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm

If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?

Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:

“spicy wet cheese”

HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.