Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER

DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?

DOG: NO

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck

People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.

Me: i thought it was three?

Genie: taxes.

When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜

I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.

I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts

#Caturday

Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.

Flying cockroach: hahahahaha

I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.

Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am

Juliet:

Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.

We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.

Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard

I’m fine

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted

Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?

Friend: 6th grade

Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.

Friend: Computers?

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet

[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]

Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?

remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*

5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?

Me: How did the interrogation go?

Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.

Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.

I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.

wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car

Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.