A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
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“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs
he looks great for his age
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”