@knot_eye

A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.

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@Book_Krazy

Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: My fish died.

Teacher: What fish?

Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.

@david8hughes

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.

@MrsTomServo

Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.

@_mcgoof

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.

@donni

Castles are great but I wish you could rent other forms of bouncy architecture

@Prof_Peejay

Her:”What do you do?”
Me:”I teach astronomy.”
Her:”OMG!! I’m a Sagitarius! Can you see my future?”
Me:”Yes, you’ll go home alone tonight.”

@sexncake

I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.

Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.

@ybbaaabby

Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?