Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Castles are great but I wish you could rent other forms of bouncy architecture
Her:”What do you do?”
Me:”I teach astronomy.”
Her:”OMG!! I’m a Sagitarius! Can you see my future?”
Me:”Yes, you’ll go home alone tonight.”
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?