A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
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[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict