Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?

-my kid who is about to get us burglarized

A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

“And this is my creepy husband, John.”

(The way my friend should introduce her husband)

Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.

i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break

Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?

Me: I need to find my people

Him: You have a family, we are your people

Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like

Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok

Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..

“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”

Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?

a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees

the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.

I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.

True

My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.

BISON DAD: good bye, son.

BISON SON: thank you, dad.

Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.

I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.

*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*

Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate

My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.

(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”

If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.

[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.