A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
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Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*