A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
You Might Also Like
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.