A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
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CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail