A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
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If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.