A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
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I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.