A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
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Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.