A group of toddlers is called a migraine
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so much to do
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
The single bravest thing you can do over 40, is go somewhere in the cold with a full bladder
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.