A group of toddlers is called a migraine
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I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP