A group of toddlers is called a migraine
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I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Meow
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now