Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what

Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.

Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same

It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.

Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?

Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.

5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.

“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”

Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??

Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”

Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain

Mary: Jesus stop complaining

Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?

Her: No, thanks.

Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?

Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.

Me:🤦🏻‍♂️

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]

Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.

The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport

I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.

If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up

I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.

she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before

One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.