A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
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Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Good morning y’all ☀️
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I want to meet the individual who made this
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”