A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
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What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Word!
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
