A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
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The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
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Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.