A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
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Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?