A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
You Might Also Like
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
worst…sale…ever
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
A Short Story.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”