A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
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old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
checking out some reviews of my local library
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch