Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.

It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.

Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

is this meant to deter me

The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.

*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*

…they just keep sending more…

My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.

Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you

Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.

NEW DRINKING GAME:

1) Put on the new Twilight movie

2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.

All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.

What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?

*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN

Her: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?

Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.

Me: No oh 🙁

Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie

Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?

Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.

My Plans:

(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”

I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?

doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them

The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath

If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.

therapist: you are your own worst enemy

me: undefeated baby

Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?

*shoots kneecap*

How bout now?

my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body