A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
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what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power