A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
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During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Me when I’m ovulating
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
me at the job i begged god for
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.