@kelownagoose

A grown mans’ nemesis should not be a classmate of my 7 year old.

But here we are.

*knocks juice box out of her hand.

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@Donna_McCoy

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

@chuuew

Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS

@david8hughes

POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.

@Steven37366100

Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.

Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.

@ClichedOut

[camping]

Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?

Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.

Kid: It’s been an hour.

Me: You’re free to go.

Kid: Like, go play?

Me: Like, move out

Kid: I’m 7.

Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.

@FlyoverJoel

Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.

@iwearaonesie

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*

@yaboybillnye

WTF VAMPIRE BATS WILL VOMIT BLOOD INTO MOUTHS OF SICK BATS 2 KEEP THEM ALIVE THATS DOPE AF & STILL A BETTER LOVESTORY THAN TWILIGHT